After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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