New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
