Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
