There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
