thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Dear god my vagina.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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