i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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