happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
