turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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