Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize