Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
