hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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