We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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