i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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