you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
