I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
50% drunk capacity currently
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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