From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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