As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
