And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
