my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
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