I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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