So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
