im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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