i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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