when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
