I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
