2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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