She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
