I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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