So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
