my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
