I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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