We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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