Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
