it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
