I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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