i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize