TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
