Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
