I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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