Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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