apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
