Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
