Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
