i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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