Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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