so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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