Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
