My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
