You smell like stripper and shame
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
