i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
