oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
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