quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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