I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
