We need to start having sex underwater more often.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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