Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
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