when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
