two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
