The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
and she was petting her beer can
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
