I just made out with a guy for $7.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
