I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
