I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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