tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My liver just had a heart attack.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
