Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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