You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
it was like having sex with a tree stump
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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