this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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