I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize