I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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