life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my shit smells like andre
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
