i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
