I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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