Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
