i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
And then my night got REAL pukey
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
