dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize